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People on my friends list are describing the dreams they had last night. I've just remembered I had a really happy one and woke up thinking "I've got to remember that," because I haven't been remembering my dreams for a good couple of weeks...and then I went back to sleep and now I can't recall a bit of it.

Also, I need to get more friends who don't just update their LJs from work. My friends page sees soooo little activity on weekends.
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Just found out that due to my having neglected to check up on things I didn't realize I'd have to check up on (though I probably would've realized it if I'd thought about it more), I won't be able to make the scheduling changes I'd counted on being able to make, and due to that and to someone I'd counted on being nice not being nice, I'm going to have slightly more difficulty getting through this year, and will get through it with a slightly worse-looking transcript, than I was going to already. The one bright spot in that is that frankly, it's looking bad enough already that this can't make my chances of grad school admission any less than they already are.

I'd go into more detail, but I really don't feel like it at the moment. I will, however, note that this, or more particularly the moment I first found out about all this crap, when it seemed as though it was going to turn out even worse than it did, is just one more in the series of socks in the gut that has been my life lately, and it's left me in a weird emotional place. I've been running a balancing act here, trying my damnedest to stay on top of things while at the same time trying to avoid stressing out over them; due to the multitude of things I have to stay on top of, most of which have high stress levels attached, this leaves me with a very narrow margin of safety (in fact I wonder sometimes if it has negative width) and I'm constantly tipping over to one side or the other. The situation I'm in now was caused by a lapse in one direction, meaning that I am now all the more prone to a lapse in the other direction; unfortunately, switching into stress-out mode will most likely cause me to curl up into a little ball and thus be unable to get anything done, thereby leaving me with the worst of both sides. So I'm trying not to let myself stress, but that mostly entails pushing things from my mind until the time comes when I can deal with them properly (like, when the people I need to see are actually in their offices), and that triggers the Guilt section of my brain, which tends to hear "I know what I need to do and when I can fit it into my schedule, and now I will stop worrying about it till then" as "I know what I need to do, but I'm not going to think about it because it's too scary, and since I'm not going to think about it I won't end up doing it either." What really doesn't help is that this assumption is unfortunately based on years of my behaving in precisely that way. Lately I really do think I've been doing a better job than I used to of following through on things, but apparently I'm still not doing a good enough job and so the optimism I've been feeling is wavering.

I dunno if writing this out has helped any or not. I don't know what conclusion to reach from all this, either. I think it needs to simmer. (Cue guilt complex again. Siiiiiiiigh.)
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I hope your day smells like roses and looks like diamonds.

This was just said to me by a stranger I'm playing an online game with. It's a turn-based game that's lasted for weeks, and until now neither of us has ever said anything to the other. And today this, out of nowhere.

I would say that I'm not even sure if it's meant sincerely or sarcastically, but that's not really true; this person has no reason to be sarcastic, as I'm not currently kicking zir ass in the game or anything like that (in fact, rather the reverse.) But I still don't know how on earth to respond to it.
vvvexation: (Default)
(I'm starting to feel I should've gotten to this much sooner.)

*ahem* Does anyone have a copy of The Ethical Slut they're willing to lend me?


vvvexation: (Default)

September 2012

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