Yet another anti-meme: Languages of Love

[vvvexation]

I had to stop about five questions into that Love Languages quiz everyone is doing, when I realized that the things I was putting a higher priority on were not so much the things I most value, but more the things I don't currently get as much of. Physical touch, for example, is important to me, but I've never really had to think about how important it is because I've hardly ever been involved with someone to whom it didn't seem to come naturally. Verbal affirmation, on the other hand, is something I get less than ideal amounts of (though that's probably due in part to the fact that most of my relationships are pretty ill-defined and thus tough to speak about), so I find myself choosing that as a higher priority because I'd like more of it than I generally get, but not because I'd like more of it than of physical contact.

Frankly, all five of the things listed are important to me, and I really can't say which is the most important. I'm not even sure it's right to pick one. I think in any serious relationship all five of those would have to be present in different amounts, and the amounts can't really be compared because they're on different scales. What matters is not whether I get more of love-expression A than of love-expression B, but whether I get enough of each.

Come to think of it, that's a bit like the way I approach poly. I don't care whether I see more of person A than person B; I care about whether I see each of them as often as I want to, and of course this goes for energy, emotional depth, and other such things as well as time. But it may appear sometimes that I care more about spending time with person A than person B, simply because I don't see person A as often as I'd like and do see person B as often as I'd like, and will thus generally prefer to spend time with A on the few occasions when I have to choose between them.

Comments

[vvvexation.livejournal.com]

I took it with an attitude of "If I had enough of everything, or if all else was equal, which would make me feel more warm fuzzies?"

I made a halfhearted attempt to do that, but evidently it's difficult if not impossible for me to imagine having enough of everything since it's not an experience I've had so far.

But I actually think mine was pretty accurate, on the relative scale of how much of each I like / what I tend to hurt from lacking first / what I express the most appreciation or give the most Whuffie for.

I think those last two are opposites for me. Some of these signs of affection I sort of take for granted and others I don't expect as much; the ones I expect less I show more appreciation for, but the ones I take for granted are the ones I'd miss first.

And that's not just romantic relationships, it also translates pretty well to my interactions with people.

Hmmm. I think with people I don't have romantic relationships with, all of those things are appreciated but I don't really expect any of them....

wait, aha moment. Signs of affection like that are one thing that differentiates a romantic relationship from a friendship or acquaintanceship. Without them, or with much less of them, I can still be some kinda friends with a person but not maintain a Relationship with them. But it's more a matter of quantitative than qualitative difference, perhaps.

And on the flipside, it also corresponds to what I tend to default-offer when I want to make someone else feel good

I'm not sure if I default-offer the things I need most or just the things that are easiest for me to do.