Writer's Block: Around the world

[vvvexation]

At the most recent Poly Speed Dating event, I realized I was making my post-date decisions in an irrational way. At least some of the time I was checking "no" even when I was interested in someone, under the assumption that there was no point in checking "yes" because the other person didn't seem sufficiently interested; and at least some of the time I was checking "yes" even when I wasn't really all that interested, with the feeling that I wasn't really committing myself because the other person would probably check "no" and let me off the hook.

And of course this was ridiculous because of the way speed dating is set up: If the other person checks "no," it doesn't matter what you check, so assuming they did check "no" is not a useful way to make your decision. If your decision doesn't make a difference unless the other person says "yes," then you've got to assume they will say yes so that you're deciding based on the assumption that your decision actually means something.

This evening, I was thinking of what other situations might be analogous to that, with an eye toward rendering the general principle in more abstract terms. The first analogy that came to mind -- though admittedly not a terribly interesting one -- was the idea of pretending you can't afford to travel and then trying to decide where you would most like to travel to, versus pretending to have won a free trip to a location of your choice and then trying to decide what that choice would be. Clearly, only the second mental exercise is going to give you any information about yourself that's actually useful.

And then came tonight's Writer's Block:

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Dear Writer's Block: If you've started reading my mind, does this mean we're going to get some more interesting questions from now on?

Comments

[flwyd.livejournal.com]

The first thing that came to mind when I read "Poly Speed Dating" was an event where several people were at the table having a multi-way conversation and then you select a subset of people who seem interesting.

[vvvexation.livejournal.com]

Huh. That's actually what http://tableforsix.com/ does, and it does sound like a cool approach -- I'd consider signing up if I thought the rest of their clientele was at all likely to include anyone who was actually my type. But implementing something like that at PSD seems like it would be a logistical nightmare.

Or maybe not. I can think of ways it might work. *ponders*

[pure-agnostic.livejournal.com]

Several people told me they only checked "Yes" at PSD if they clicked with the person. While I might click with somebody within 5 minutes of meeting them at PSD, I considered that outcome very unlikely. So a policy of "check 'Yes' only if you click" was likely to preclude me from meeting some worthwhile people because I might click with them after chatting over tea for a couple of hours. So, I chose a policy of "check 'Yes' even if my mental answer right at the time was 'maybe' and see if they are also interested". Based on the outcome, I think that was a good policy.

Ironic that the Writer's Block question so deftly matched your thoughts on PSD. No?

[vvvexation.livejournal.com]

I've come to suspect that PSD is actually not a great way for me to meet people, but for different reasons than I would have thought. There are definitely people I can determine I'm not interested in within five minutes, and there are (a lot fewer) people I'm instantly attracted to, but the "maybes" are problematic. Sometimes I do get the feeling that I might become sufficiently interested in this person if I interacted with them a bit more -- but in that case, just one date is probably not going to be enough, and I'm not very keen to go on three or four dates just to see if attraction develops. I think that with people for whom my attraction grows slowly, it may be better to let it grow slowly over a period of just happening to hang out together in the same space, rather than making a point of spending time together one on one and thereby putting pressure on both of us to decide how we're feeling right away. And yes, I won't always get the chance to do that with a particular person, but there'll be other people I do get to do it with, so I figure it probably balances out overall.

(And no, that's not ironic; it's merely a coincidence. But it is indeed a poetic one.)