There's a lot more to the love languages thing than what you're post indicates you're aware of... Decidedly, the web site hosting the love languages quiz doesn't actually talk about the love languages much. The Love Languages idea is based on a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.
When we started using this material in our coaching work, it made a huge difference. I agree that we all tend to want some of each of these, but what the book and related materials are about comes more to this: If all your needs in all these areas but one were happily met, which would be a deal breaker eventually?
We've had some coaching clients where this is the only tool we've given them, and then they were done with us. Their stuff was resolved to the point that they could take it from there.
We had a lovely example of this in action with a friend of ours (F) and her BF (P). P took F to a lovely dinner at a nice restaurant(gifts/time), got her flowers with a card(gifts), took the weekend off to be with her (time), they had lovely lovemaking that night (touch), made her breakfast (acts of service)... And come monday, she was unhappy with him. This happened just as we were learning about this love languages stuff. In conversations with her therapist and with us, she uncovered that the card with the flowers hadn't had a personalized message in it. She's HUGELY words of affirmation, and so all this other stuff had touched not a whit on the one place she was really looking to hear that she was loved. Thereafter he spent a lot less on all that other stuff, and focused just on words, and she was a happy camper.
For me, long before the quiz I knew (from the book) that touch was my number 1. And Dawn's is Acts of Service. And my relationship with Dawn became much better when I learned to speak acts of service. Before that, our relationship survived because we could both do words of affirmation... but survived would be the right word, not flourished.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 08:50 pm (UTC)When we started using this material in our coaching work, it made a huge difference. I agree that we all tend to want some of each of these, but what the book and related materials are about comes more to this: If all your needs in all these areas but one were happily met, which would be a deal breaker eventually?
We've had some coaching clients where this is the only tool we've given them, and then they were done with us. Their stuff was resolved to the point that they could take it from there.
We had a lovely example of this in action with a friend of ours (F) and her BF (P). P took F to a lovely dinner at a nice restaurant(gifts/time), got her flowers with a card(gifts), took the weekend off to be with her (time), they had lovely lovemaking that night (touch), made her breakfast (acts of service)... And come monday, she was unhappy with him. This happened just as we were learning about this love languages stuff. In conversations with her therapist and with us, she uncovered that the card with the flowers hadn't had a personalized message in it. She's HUGELY words of affirmation, and so all this other stuff had touched not a whit on the one place she was really looking to hear that she was loved. Thereafter he spent a lot less on all that other stuff, and focused just on words, and she was a happy camper.
For me, long before the quiz I knew (from the book) that touch was my number 1. And Dawn's is Acts of Service. And my relationship with Dawn became much better when I learned to speak acts of service. Before that, our relationship survived because we could both do words of affirmation... but survived would be the right word, not flourished.