There is another angle on the "nice guy" thing. Even if their hygiene, self-confidence, and social skills are all up to par, sometimes a guy still can't get a date with a non-flashy girl. I have a couple of guys I can bring to mind for this.
Neither one particularly puts themselves forward, but they would both have no real problem saying "hey, wanna go out for coffee?" to a nice girl. I'm sure they have, in several cases. However, B once told me that he was the token guy organizing a PG-13 strip show benefiting a cause he's close to -- all the other people were female volunteers in the cause, most of them the ones who would be stripping down to lingerie. And I asked him, "Wow, how did you get such a tasty job?"
He said that one of the girls told him, "We wanted you to coordinate this, because we all feel safe around you."
He gives off a few effeminate vibes, but I know that he is not gay. (Neither is A, the other guy.) Yet both of them seem to radiate the "brotherly" vibe, the one that says you're safe with me, I won't grope you, and I understand your feelings... which means that attractive women who are used to being hassled will want them at their back because they won't have to worry about harassment from that direction, and the less classically-attractive "nice girls" feel like they can keep the guy as a confidant because he understands how they feel, almost treating him like one of the girls. Neither set considers the guy sexy, because he fits into this brotherly role. (Though I've harbored a quiet crush on B for years, as he's physically my type even if we're too similar to get along in a relationship. I'd ask him out if we were more compatible.)
A is clean and relatively fit, witty, very intelligent, has a good job, and while somewhat shy can still put himself forward when he wishes. He had one girlfriend in college, and I think he's had one or two dates in recent years, but that's all... and knowing him, he dislikes fast women. He's over thirty. All I can figure is that it's the "nice" vibe with a vengeance.
Lots of things working against sensitive guys. Not all of them are correctable by clue-stick.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2005-07-07 08:54 am (UTC)Neither one particularly puts themselves forward, but they would both have no real problem saying "hey, wanna go out for coffee?" to a nice girl. I'm sure they have, in several cases. However, B once told me that he was the token guy organizing a PG-13 strip show benefiting a cause he's close to -- all the other people were female volunteers in the cause, most of them the ones who would be stripping down to lingerie. And I asked him, "Wow, how did you get such a tasty job?"
He said that one of the girls told him, "We wanted you to coordinate this, because we all feel safe around you."
He gives off a few effeminate vibes, but I know that he is not gay. (Neither is A, the other guy.) Yet both of them seem to radiate the "brotherly" vibe, the one that says you're safe with me, I won't grope you, and I understand your feelings... which means that attractive women who are used to being hassled will want them at their back because they won't have to worry about harassment from that direction, and the less classically-attractive "nice girls" feel like they can keep the guy as a confidant because he understands how they feel, almost treating him like one of the girls. Neither set considers the guy sexy, because he fits into this brotherly role. (Though I've harbored a quiet crush on B for years, as he's physically my type even if we're too similar to get along in a relationship. I'd ask him out if we were more compatible.)
A is clean and relatively fit, witty, very intelligent, has a good job, and while somewhat shy can still put himself forward when he wishes. He had one girlfriend in college, and I think he's had one or two dates in recent years, but that's all... and knowing him, he dislikes fast women. He's over thirty. All I can figure is that it's the "nice" vibe with a vengeance.
Lots of things working against sensitive guys. Not all of them are correctable by clue-stick.