I think the point to be made is that not every guy has this problem -- not even every "nice" guy. It is a particular subset of "nice" guys. Maybe you've just never run into a "safe" guy... or else you don't have the pigeonhole for them. I think a lot of women do.
I never date guys without being friends and comfortable with them first (those are my trust issues there). Some of them I am only attracted to once I really relax around them. But there are still the few that I pick up the "safe" vibe from, whether or not that makes them sexless to me now. Most of the time I am not attracted for other reasons, but I can still point them out in a crowd.
As for the "betrayed" thing -- it comes from having a relationship free of the stresses of sexual tension (and believe me, for most people it is stressful) suddenly shattered by the revelation that he's really been looking you over, just like any other male. It's like discovering that the nurse who's helping you undress has been checking you out. As someone to whom sex has always been at least mildly anxiety-inducing, having that one person who will never even hint at sex is a great relief. Having them turn into just another man with his mind on sex (even if it is romantic and friendly) is worse than if they had never been safe at all.
98% of the men I encounter do not fit in this category. 85% of geeks don't. But for the rest, no matter how many women they become friends and comfortable with, they never get beyond that point, and it's not for lack of interest. Next time we're both in a large group of geeks (not at a sex party, that skews things), prod me and I'll see whether I can spot one for you.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2005-07-08 09:04 am (UTC)I never date guys without being friends and comfortable with them first (those are my trust issues there). Some of them I am only attracted to once I really relax around them. But there are still the few that I pick up the "safe" vibe from, whether or not that makes them sexless to me now. Most of the time I am not attracted for other reasons, but I can still point them out in a crowd.
As for the "betrayed" thing -- it comes from having a relationship free of the stresses of sexual tension (and believe me, for most people it is stressful) suddenly shattered by the revelation that he's really been looking you over, just like any other male. It's like discovering that the nurse who's helping you undress has been checking you out. As someone to whom sex has always been at least mildly anxiety-inducing, having that one person who will never even hint at sex is a great relief. Having them turn into just another man with his mind on sex (even if it is romantic and friendly) is worse than if they had never been safe at all.
98% of the men I encounter do not fit in this category. 85% of geeks don't. But for the rest, no matter how many women they become friends and comfortable with, they never get beyond that point, and it's not for lack of interest. Next time we're both in a large group of geeks (not at a sex party, that skews things), prod me and I'll see whether I can spot one for you.