Apparently, I still lack productivity as much as ever

I've got this whole day stretching ahead of me in which I ought to be able to Get Stuff Done, yet every time I contemplate embarking on a task that will take more than a couple of minutes to complete, or has multiple steps to it, I freak out and can't even make myself take the first step. I don't know if this is ADD or simply an offshoot of the depression I've had to admit has been reemerging lately, but either way it's pretty messed up and leaves me terribly frustrated.

I feel like I may just fly to pieces. That sounds more ADDish, really; the depression comes on when I let myself think about anything long-term. Like what the hell I'm going to be doing with my life in a few short months.

Either way, the stupid meds aren't doing anything except making me vaguely nauseous, and possibly worsening the arrhythmia.

I hate knowing that my life is better than it's ever been in a number of ways and yet still feeling that overall it sucks worse than ever. I've grown so much as a person--how can I possibly be at such a dead end when it comes to basic survival? Why can't I be good at the things that seem to matter in the Real World? And why do those things have to matter so damn much?

I'm oversimplifying. And I'm not specifying a lot of what's going on school-wise because I'm not ready to talk about it. So basically I'm just wanking here. Being a stereotypical self-indulgent LJer and shit. But then what is this medium for, right?

I shouldn't be so damn self-conscious anyway. I oughta shut the fuck up and just post this before I get off on the very tempting meta-tangent of analyzing why the hell this post is so much choppier than my normal writing style.

Mystery only partly solved

Apparently that bike horn that I've been hearing across the street most afternoons doesn't belong to a small child as I'd assumed, but to a guy walking down the street with a shopping cart that has bags of something orange hanging from it. Presumably he's selling the orange stuff, and thus using the horn in an icecreamtruckish fashion (I have to say, I rather prefer even crappy music to this more distracting honking), but from this distance I can't figure out what on earth it might be. Cheesy popcorn, maybe? It's the right size but the wrong color for cotton candy.

Foodage dilemma

Grrr. I have leftovers in the fridge that I really need to eat soon, but they're a full meal's worth of leftovers. Right now I'm hungry enough that it's contributing to my distraction level, but not hungry enough to consume a full meal, especially in this damn heat (which is not helping the productivity either). But if I eat something smaller now, I may not have room for the leftovers later.

I hate the way my body works sometimes.

No, that's an understatement. There's almost no time when I'm not hating something about it.