Apparently, I still lack productivity as much as ever

[vvvexation]

I've got this whole day stretching ahead of me in which I ought to be able to Get Stuff Done, yet every time I contemplate embarking on a task that will take more than a couple of minutes to complete, or has multiple steps to it, I freak out and can't even make myself take the first step. I don't know if this is ADD or simply an offshoot of the depression I've had to admit has been reemerging lately, but either way it's pretty messed up and leaves me terribly frustrated.

I feel like I may just fly to pieces. That sounds more ADDish, really; the depression comes on when I let myself think about anything long-term. Like what the hell I'm going to be doing with my life in a few short months.

Either way, the stupid meds aren't doing anything except making me vaguely nauseous, and possibly worsening the arrhythmia.

I hate knowing that my life is better than it's ever been in a number of ways and yet still feeling that overall it sucks worse than ever. I've grown so much as a person--how can I possibly be at such a dead end when it comes to basic survival? Why can't I be good at the things that seem to matter in the Real World? And why do those things have to matter so damn much?

I'm oversimplifying. And I'm not specifying a lot of what's going on school-wise because I'm not ready to talk about it. So basically I'm just wanking here. Being a stereotypical self-indulgent LJer and shit. But then what is this medium for, right?

I shouldn't be so damn self-conscious anyway. I oughta shut the fuck up and just post this before I get off on the very tempting meta-tangent of analyzing why the hell this post is so much choppier than my normal writing style.

Comments

[catamorphism.livejournal.com]

I could have written this post myself... why does there seem to be such a correlation between intelligence and health problems both physical and mental? Is being smart actually hazardous to your health?

[vvvexation.livejournal.com]

I wish to hell I knew. They do say ignorance is bliss, though.

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

How strong is the correlation, really? I haven't seen much research.

[catamorphism.livejournal.com]

I'm basing that totally on anecdotal evidence (almost everyone I know is smart, and almost everyone I know has some kind of chronic mental-or-physical-or-both health issue, but I don't know any stupid people, so it's obviously a bad sample).

[tsgeisel.livejournal.com]

You must be reading my email. My whole day has been like this.

Not terribly helpful blathering

[luftblasen.livejournal.com]

My classes this semester are interesting. I have no reason to complain. And yet I wake up every day filled with dread at the thought of another day of classes. I would rather stay home and sleep. I shudder to think how bad the lethargy will become once the rain sets in. And I like rain.

Re: Not terribly helpful blathering

[vvvexation.livejournal.com]

*nod* Heat and cold seem in my case to be about equally counterproductive.

[zwol.livejournal.com]

My own neurological krenk seems utterly trivial compared to some people's problems, and yet it can be just as disabling - complete disconnect between awareness of a need (be it something basic like food or sleep or something complex like getting work done) and motivation to do something about it.

As this leaves me in exactly the same boat as you, albeit for different reasons, about all I can say is I feel your pain.

[vvvexation.livejournal.com]

I gotta admit it's a little scary hearing that I might still be like this even if and when I get the treatable problems treated. I hope it's not that bad.

[zwol.livejournal.com]

For all I know mine is a named and treatable condition... if I could work up the motivation to go see a psychologist about it...

Didn't mean to scare you. I had a bad day yesterday, so it's high in my mind, but most of the time it's controllable with diet and sleep.