From the department of cosmic head-thwaps

[vvvexation]

Aaaaand a few minutes after my last post, I check my friends list and find a post forcing me to delve into the reasons I haven't been journaling in considerably more detail. Someone had written: "I find myself writing less lately because I feel as though I'm not getting much of a response or that people just don't care about what I have to say. Have any of you experienced this problem?" So, of course, I was obliged to respond, in part:

I write partly for myself and partly for my friends, but the basic problem is similar; I've been feeling less motivated to write for myself but also feeling that no one will be interested in what I write, and oddly enough the two feelings seem to be so closely linked that I have trouble telling them apart. I think that's because when I write for myself I think of my future self reading what I write in the same way that I would think of my friends reading it, and right now I keep thinking both of those hypothetical audiences won't care.

I further realized, though I didn't add, that this in turn is part of the dangerous trend toward solipsism and even nihilism that my brain has been taking lately: I don't feel like I or anyone else oughta care about things because nothing really matters in the grand scheme of things anyway. This isn't stopping me from getting work done or making long-term plans (no, plenty of other things are stopping me from doing that, as always), but it does have some rather eerie feelings associated with it--like having a hard time believing any of my friends really exist whenever I'm alone, and having a hard time believing any of the things I remember ever really happened.

This is actually getting scary of late. I've always (or at least since I was a teenager) had brief flashes of this mental state from time to time, but it's never been so pervasive or long-lasting as it is now. I'm worried that it's gotten permanently etched into my brain chemistry or something. I want to change it but I have no idea how. Frankly, if I were a suicidally inclined sort of person, I think this might push me over the edge if it didn't improve in another year or two.

(Let me hasten to state now that I never have inclined that way. I think that's due to luck more than anything else, but I'm glad of it--and if that fact ever changes, I will certainly tell people. I'm not sure what there is to be scared of, psychologically, if I'm not scared of that--but somehow I'm still scared.)

Comments

[capnkjb.livejournal.com]

I hate it when my brain gets on a destructive roll and all. It's a bitch to stop that snowball.

[adamchristopher.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's like, since nothing really matters, may as well just enjoy each moment to the best of your ability. That's the other side of that realization. It seems gloomy, but it's really just a signal to fully participate in each instant of life. Each breath, fully and deeply experienced, leads you back to the truth. And the truth is, that breath in that moment, fully experienced, is the one thing that actually does matter, because all of life is contained in one breath. That's what I'm seeing anyway.

[tsgeisel.livejournal.com]

Personally, the greater majority of things I write are for myself, and I don't really care if people read over them, or just skim them enough to differentiate between my job/life whines and actual philosophical musings or even hunting down memes.

It does *me* good to write things down, and while I certainly could care less if people actually read it, I would be writing it even if nobody ever responded.

Venting is important.

[vvvexation.livejournal.com]

That's just it. I haven't been writing for myself either, because it all seems pointless and that worries me.

[tsgeisel.livejournal.com]

Think of it as being like one of those journal projects they do in writing classes, or for NaNoWriMo - what you say isn't as important as the fact that you're saying *something*. Even if it's just banging your head against the keyboard.

Do it often enough, and eventually the words will come.

Ok, it's trite, but that doesn't mean it's not true.

[snowy-owlet.livejournal.com]

Sounds like you could use some renewal, sweet.

[vvvexation.livejournal.com]

Renewal? I'm not sure I understand what you mean by that in this particular context.

[dabblerouser.livejournal.com]

To a certain extent I know what you mean about people not responding to posts. Sometimes I post something and though I'm not consciously thinking of people responding I find myself becoming disappointed or even depressed if they don't. It's as if I needed affirmation of people's feelings toward me, to know they care.

From the opposite perspective I can understand why people don't respond. If I see someone posting that they're in pain my immediate reaction is to want to post something to make them feel better. But what can I say that isn't just a bunch of empty words?

I can't take a person's pain away and any attempt to do so comes off as stupid, or worse as if I'm sucking up to the person for my own benefit.

[vvvexation.livejournal.com]

I know the feeling very well from the opposite perspective. Thing is, when I write, I don't really feel like I need people to respond to affirm that they care about me personally; most of the time I feel confident that at least some of them--the ones that matter--do care whether or not they say anything. What I really worry about, I think, is that people will find what I'm saying dull or annoying, and will think slightly less of me because I bore them.

[dabblerouser.livejournal.com]

If it's any help, I've yet to see you write anything dull or annoying.

[marmaladious.livejournal.com]

I used to get worried in the nihlistic sort of way, but now I live my life by: "Well, nothing really does matter, and that's fine."

It's good that you don't incline that way. Definitely count yourself as lucky in that aspect of it.

I know I'm (personally) always amused by your posts, and am glad when I scroll up in my friends list and see that row of "v"s. There was the post about the bus window, and the monkeys writing shakespeare, and the swinging patent. All good stuff.

Here's a cliche. Chin up.

[ailurodragon.livejournal.com]

I enjoy reading what you have to write. You're intelligent and articulate your ideas well. Please keep writing.