They're letting all the wrong people reproduce these days, dammit

[vvvexation]

I was having a surprisingly good day today--somehow I was feeling inexplicably chipper despite my usual back-to-school dread. I even did some spontaneous hopping and skipping in between classes, and during them I did a fairly good job of keeping my attention on the lecture. But my good mood all but evaporated on the bus ride home when I was reminded of one of the reasons I take such a dim view of most of humanity.

A young woman got on the bus in North Oakland with a small child in tow--kid couldn't've been more than three. I wasn't really paying attention to them until I heard the mother cry out "Look where you're going!" and whack the child over the head with a folder full of papers. I don't know if he'd stumbled in the aisle or if he'd failed to go where she was steering him, or what--he certainly didn't seem to be doing anything more unruly than putting one foot, albeit hesitantly, in front of the other--but after lifting him onto the seat next to me she demanded to know what was wrong with him and whether he had lost his mind.

"Great," I thought, "someone with completely unrealistic notions as to what level of cognitive functioning can be reasonably expected from a small child, who also likes to hit first and ask questions later." But I didn't react outwardly. I knew it'd be unwelcome, and hey, she used a portfolio, not a belt, right? Still didn't make me happy, but I didn't really have a case for its being capital-W wrong. So I relaxed my guard a little bit when she abandoned the interrogation (if the child had answered her questions at all, it was pretty darn quietly; I couldn't hear him say anything from about a foot and a half away), but kept an ear out as she proceeded to carry on a rather confrontational cell phone conversation with someone whose identity I couldn't make out. After a few minutes of her attention being thus directed elsewhere, the munchkin laid inquisitive hands on the folder and made to go through it. She responded to this with an angry yell and a hard smack to his hand.

I wish I could say I intervened with an impressive display of righteous anger at this point. Unfortunately, the most I could muster was a Look. In some sense, at least, it was a pretty effective Look; she appeared to have caught its meaning perfectly well and immediately wanted to know if I had "something to say." Here, my inability to come up with a sufficiently concise and emphatic explanation of What Was Wrong With Her combined with my innate cowardice to suppress any verbal response I might have made; instead I dropped eye contact and seethed for a few moments, but her next words, an assertion that she'd treat her child how she wanted and I'd better not look at her like that, sounded to me like a gauntlet I was juuuust capable of picking up, and I was already a little ashamed of myself for having let the first one lie. I therefore redirected my reproachful gaze to her face, but was saved from having to manage more than that by the intervention of an older woman across the aisle.

"We're all looking at you like that," she said, "not because you hit him but because of the way you hit him, because you're out of control." Well put, but to little avail; she got about the same response I had. She persisted firmly, maintaining that the child wouldn't continue to belong to his mother if his mother went on taking her frustrations out on him whenever she pleased, but was met with ever more strident "shut the fuck up"s. I finally found my voice after the third or fourth assertion that this was nobody's business but the mother's: "It'll be CPS's business if you keep this up." I was told to shut up too before she hit me as well; I responded calmly that I'd call the police if she did. She wasn't afraid of the police, she scoffed; I muttered "obviously not" and we both subsided resentfully. I almost wish she had tried to hit me; I'd have really liked an excuse to report her to some authority figure or other, but I hadn't actually observed her being abusive enough to warrant it. She got off at 12th Street without further confrontation, and will no doubt remain the pathetic human being she is now for the rest of her life, as she obviously won't tolerate the suggestion that her behavior could be improved.

Selfishness and entitlement, that's what it all boils down to. Are children small and relatively helpless people that you need to dedicate your life to taking care of, or are they possessions, over which you have sole authority because they are "yours"? Are their needs paramount, or do your desires come first and how dare theirs conflict with yours? I'm tempted to declare that anyone with the latter attitude, as a general rule, ought to be sterilized, but hell, that's probably not enough. I mean, my stepmom never had kids of her own and look how that turned out.

Comments

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

[adamchristopher.livejournal.com]

When I first saw this, I thought "wow, that's a pretty long entry as V entries go". Now I see why. I have been in that situation many times and it is an excruuuciating position to be in. I tend to either hold back as you did (though for different reasons: a.) I'm afraid I'll totally go off and/or b.) I'm afraid if I express distaste for the parent's conduct, the embarrassment/anger they experience will later be taken out on the child) or I just start cheerfully talking to the child, engaging the child, praising the child, etc. which most parents don't mind (and it damn sure gives the kid a pleasant respite). If the parent talks to me, I'm very warm, I smile, I charm them, I say what a beautiful child you have. =) =) =) I do that to make them feel good about themselves and their child, so they can take that good feeling with them. Even if they can see what I'm doing, it reminds them, it cues them, to behave similarly and to remember what's important.

[vvvexation.livejournal.com]

*sigh* I wish I had the patience to set a good example for people rather than be negative. I also wish I were any good at talking to small children. And I really hope she doesn't take things out on the child, as she was doing that already. *gulp*

[adamchristopher.livejournal.com]

Oh, I only have that kind of patience when it comes to children. With obnoxious adults on their own, I have a very short fuse unfortunately. My own challenge is to remember that all obnoxious adults were once hurting children themselves, and everyone, no matter how outwardly vile, really wants to be unconditionally loved and accepted.

Oh well. Everything happens for a reason. That treatment, sad as it seems, may lead that child to become incredibly strong inside and later have such deep compassion for the suffering of others that he'll apply that strength and empathy in a constructive and healing way in society.

[vvvexation.livejournal.com]

I think that's one of the great paradoxes of life: suffering may lead to good things in the larger sense, but if given the choice in any specific instance, we'd still choose to lessen someone's suffering because it's so hard to see them hurt.

[adamchristopher.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Nothing to add really. But I'm nodding, with a grave look on my face probably.

[tzelem.livejournal.com]

the way you are describing it, she would probably take a lot of things out on him and your behavior (which seems pretty diplomatic to me, in the circumstances) would not add or substract a blow.

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

I'm often concerned that my intrusion will piss off the parent, who will further hurt the child when out of the public eye. :(

I'm a mandated reporter, as a teacher, required by state law to report any/all cases of suspected abuse, anywhere, to authorities. I'm careful, but I have to, or I'm liable -- not only ethically, but legally/professionally. If I thought there were verifiable abuse, I'd have to call someone.

[somebodyelse.livejournal.com]

But for the old question of who gets to decide which people are to be sterilized, I'd agree with you.

[olego.livejournal.com]

*seethes*

[tzelem.livejournal.com]

the problem with the sterilization question is of course who makes the decision who gets sterilized and how; maybe a licensing regime would be nicer: like in adoption: people should be sterilized by default and anyone who wants to have kids should pass an exam and show they are suitable.
the problem is also deeper when beating children is socially acceptable. in the case of your lady, she was a person with no self control but she was constantly criticised by everyone around you. but when beating is the norm, and even the duty, what then? and you can make a case for beating children even if you take the approach of dedicating your life to them.

[vvvexation.livejournal.com]

It gets trickier then, but it was tricky even in this case. What she was doing didn't quite qualify as beating--it's just that she shouldn't have done it for so little reason. It wasn't something most people would even have spoken up about, and it wasn't enough to have gotten her in trouble with the law (I would have tried to if it had been.)

[tzelem.livejournal.com]

I can understand your frustration with the situation; my mother works as a social worker placing children in foster home, and she tells me about the situations when children are returned to families where they will be unhappy because there is no sufficient grounds to take them out. it is hard to qualify when someone is mistreating their children enough to interfere, especially since interfering does mean limiting the freedom of the person; on the other hand, you sometimes really want to shake the person and say, hey, what are you doing? my other comment about cultures was because when I was teaching new immigrants from Ethiopia, who came from an agricultural region, a very traditional society, we once had a six years old misbehave - just usual six year old lack of discipline, and we punished him by sending him out for an hour and then having him region the class. his father heard he misbehaved and came in and started beating him to make him see the error of his ways - and there it was actual beating, forbidden by law - but ok under the father's cultural norms. we intervened to stop it, but I would bet many of these kids get beaten at home quite a bit - and you can't throw a whole population of immigrants in jail or take all their kids away. so what do you do? how do you fight it?

What a great ipod commercial....

[boyziggy.livejournal.com]

Hey V, sorry to hear of your experience. Last week I was on an AC transit bus in oakland, and there was this homeless woman in front of us asking us for money, some scary guy behind us making these horrible breathing sounds- i wasn't sure if he was trying to communicate with us- and another person decided to have their KFC meal adjacent from us, completely oblivious to the horrific stench it was reaking.

The thing that sucks about public transportation is you sometimes see things you really wish you didn't. That's why i usually like to listen to my ipod, put on my sunglasses, and pretent i'm on another planet whenever i ride.

-Ziggy

[marmaladious.livejournal.com]

Yeah. And the worst part is; If you were to say something to her that really got through, and she thought you were right, she would do anything but let you know that.

I hate to dislike people I know, much less people I've never met, but I find myself disliking this lady. She needs ovaries like I need ovaries.

[vvvexation.livejournal.com]

Actually, that's a slightly good part. It means that maybe I did get through to her and she just wouldn't admit it.