Specifics

[vvvexation]

A more detailed account of just what the upshot of all of today's running around was(*) (as explained to joedecker):

v: Need to go to reduced courseload. For that, need to renew Disabled Student status. For that, need to get shrink to confirm I'm still depressed even though that isn't really the problem, because sleep apnea doesn't count as a disability.
v: New shrink and I got wires crossed and missed tonight's appointment; can't see her again till next week, need forms this week.
v: Old shrink has retired; office of old shrink fucked up and stuck my records somewhere where they can't get to 'em for a while.
v: Meanwhile I can get evaluated by someone else there, but not till, again, next week.
j: hmmm, must be workaround. *ponders*
v: might be
v: if the disability program guy is willing to take my word for it that i'll have the forms next week, and go ahead and sign off for me this week
v: which he might 'cause he's a nice guy, but then his last email suggested he might not
v: or if the dean'll let me drop retroactively, which they've done for me in the past but they've tightened their rules lately and i forget if that's one of the ones they've tightened
v: or if the old shrink people get on the stick and find those old forms and if that turns out to be all i need
v: but that's less likely

And of course, some self-recrimination:

v: this is the nth semester in a row I've tried to pull shit like this at the last minute
v: you'd think I'd've learned by now
v: the sucky thing is, I could've done this reduced-courseload stuff earlier in the semester
v: but I specifically declined because I needed to take a full load to graduate and I didn't want to ask for accomodations I wasn't gonna need
v: i dunno if it was pride or some misbegotten idea of efficiency
j: right, whereas now you're thinking you might take another year
v: *nod*
j: wel, taking on another year is a big Change of Plans
v: yeah...but i could've gotten the reduced load letter anyway, just in case, and then I wouldn't be running around after it now
j: sure
j: but what's done is done
v: yeah
j: not that that helps much, just something I remind myself in times like that
v: i just feel bad 'cause it's such a pattern with me
v: it's not even procrastination so much as i just don't figure out what i should do until the last minute
v: which come to think of it is not quite as bad as procrastination...i suppose that's something

(*) well, actually only most of today's running around--there was also the bit where I had to get authorization to see a cardiologist (it's been two weeks and the meds still aren't working), and found out that before I do I need to get bloodwork done. In other words, there are needles in my future. Fuck. Fuck fuckity fuck.

Comments

[cyan-blue.livejournal.com]

Sympathies on all of it...

Maybe someone can go in with you to hold your hand when you get the needle stuff done? I used to have minor procedures done that involved needles for a while when I was living in NY, and richwillpowers would accompany me in to hold my hand through the needly bits. The docs were real good about letting him be with me in there.

[vvvexation.livejournal.com]

That's definitely a possibility. I'll see who I can dig up.

Bloodwork

[tentonnun.livejournal.com]

I've had two blood tests done the last two weeks. I have one on friday and another next week. Blood tests can suck. I'm not even very afraid of needles and it still bothers me, so I can only imagine what it's like for you. I'm always reminded of the Tori Amos song "Bloodroses" when I have to do a lot of tests. I feel like a whore giving pieces of myself for drugs. Ugh.

Re: Bloodwork

[vvvexation.livejournal.com]

Weird...I never got emailed this comment. LJ being wonky, I guess.

beating yourself up doesn't do any good

[tshuma]

*hugs*

I have been exactly there, reduced courseloads, disabilities, and all. Deciding not to do the paperwork because I'm all right, really, and I can handle it now, and I really need to stay on track in order to graduate within my scholarship terms, etc. And I hate like fire getting any concessions because of my disabilities, which is stupid, because that's what they're there for.

Then life has a way of adding wonkiness (in my case, a bike accident). And it becomes nigh impossible to meet the schedule I've set myself. And it's too late (or nearly so) to do anything about it, because of administrative deadlines.

But the self-recrimination part is counter-productive--you have work to do right now and you don't have a lot of spare cycles to spend on beating yourself up. Just remember it for the next time: get the forms filed ahead of time just in case. And ask for help where you can.

(Now if only I'll remember my own advice next term.)

Re: beating yourself up doesn't do any good

[vvvexation.livejournal.com]

Thanks; it's very good to know I'm not unique in my experience. I am mostly avoiding self-flagellation, though, and fairly successfully saving it for times (like last night) when I don't have anything that needs immediate doing.

Probably not much help

[daltong.livejournal.com]

I'm able to eroticize needles, but then I didn't have a phobia to begin with.

If it would help, I could tell you what I do (it's just a little thing), or I could shut up about the topic.

Re: Probably not much help

[vvvexation.livejournal.com]

Hmmm. You might as well tell me, even though I'm pessimistic about it working. I have a high squick threshold, and even if it does squick me it can't make me any more scared than I am already.

Re: Probably not much help

[daltong.livejournal.com]

Okay. I actually have two techniques. These were developed to deal with getting shots in my spine (actually, selective nerve block injections to the interstitial spaces around the nerves injured by my herniated disc).

One technique is straightforward: if it's phallic, and it's penetrating you, then there you go. Not only is it penetrating you, but it's doing so to put good stuff in you or (it helps to be into vampires here) taking stuff out. I've also used straight-up pain play mentality.

Also, I have a non-erotic method which is thinking about the thing deep inside (such as the nerve buried in my back) that needs help but isn't easily reached, and how wonderful it is that there is a thing--a rescue device, if you will--that can skip past most of the cells (and most of the matter, if you think at a quantum level) and can go right in to help this flesh-locked thing. That works for injections; maybe not so much for blood draws. I can totally get a claustrophobic panicky feeling about, say, the arthritic toe joint that cannot be reached any other way, and the idea of the thin rescue machine relieves the claustrophobic feeling.

Re: Probably not much help

[vvvexation.livejournal.com]

Well, I finally had it done. I didn't quite manage to eroticize the needle itself, BUT I found in the process that thinking about sex in general made a pretty good distraction. That and having a friend with me beforehand did seem to help a lot.