Vainglorious Vicissitudes

I seem to've become a shade more irritable of late. I've gotten better at not taking it out on my friends, but this means it's aiming itself in the direction of online strangers instead. To borrow a rather trite metaphorical framework, my superego is of the opinion that I should fix this but my id figures the idiots deserve it and I need some outlet, right? And my ego is finding it easier to go with the flow than to try and change something that I don't know how to change without it reemerging in some other destructive form.

I wonder if the decrease in physical activity has anything to do with this. Not that knowing that would help a whole lot, as I still don't know how to make myself get out and fix that right now.

I appear to be coming down with a cold. This is rather a sucky time for that to happen, but then no time's really a good time. I'd just hoped, after suffering through five of these in the last year, that perhaps moving out of the Large Fluffy Dog-infested house would help my immune system to rally a bit. Now I can only hope that it's going to and just hasn't yet.

But hey, maybe this is why the monstrous fatigue all week. If so, then I suppose I can be glad it won't continue.

I've got this whole day stretching ahead of me in which I ought to be able to Get Stuff Done, yet every time I contemplate embarking on a task that will take more than a couple of minutes to complete, or has multiple steps to it, I freak out and can't even make myself take the first step. I don't know if this is ADD or simply an offshoot of the depression I've had to admit has been reemerging lately, but either way it's pretty messed up and leaves me terribly frustrated.

I feel like I may just fly to pieces. That sounds more ADDish, really; the depression comes on when I let myself think about anything long-term. Like what the hell I'm going to be doing with my life in a few short months.

Either way, the stupid meds aren't doing anything except making me vaguely nauseous, and possibly worsening the arrhythmia.

I hate knowing that my life is better than it's ever been in a number of ways and yet still feeling that overall it sucks worse than ever. I've grown so much as a person--how can I possibly be at such a dead end when it comes to basic survival? Why can't I be good at the things that seem to matter in the Real World? And why do those things have to matter so damn much?

I'm oversimplifying. And I'm not specifying a lot of what's going on school-wise because I'm not ready to talk about it. So basically I'm just wanking here. Being a stereotypical self-indulgent LJer and shit. But then what is this medium for, right?

I shouldn't be so damn self-conscious anyway. I oughta shut the fuck up and just post this before I get off on the very tempting meta-tangent of analyzing why the hell this post is so much choppier than my normal writing style.

I haven't eaten a damn thing today, and yet I can barely make myself shove food in my mouth. This is unusual, but not terribly so; my appetite's been fairly erratic these days, and it's not surprising that after stuffing myself last night I should be less hungry today, but it is surprising that I'm apparently not at all hungry although I feel I ought to eat.

The problem is, I just don't trust my body to tell me what it needs. I figure I shouldn't go a whole day at a time without eating, and if I don't feel like eating then my body must be giving me the wrong signals...but then I end up being unsure if it's ever giving me the right signals, while at the same time feeling I ought to try and trust my instincts more than I've been doing.

It's very confusing. I have no idea whether I indulge my id too much or not enough.

Who would've thought it'd be so hard to find a local therapist who takes Blue Cross? And who would've thought they wouldn't be offering any good philosophy classes this semester at decent times of day?

Is it possible that I have ADD on top of everything else? It would explain a lot, but yeesh. If I do, it'll probably be months till I can get diagnosed and treated, and the treatment probably won't work just as the treatments for everything else I've ever had haven't worked.

Will I ever be able to function like a normal human being?

A more detailed account of just what the upshot of all of today's running around was(*) (as explained to joedecker):

v: Need to go to reduced courseload. For that, need to renew Disabled Student status. For that, need to get shrink to confirm I'm still depressed even though that isn't really the problem, because sleep apnea doesn't count as a disability.
v: New shrink and I got wires crossed and missed tonight's appointment; can't see her again till next week, need forms this week.
v: Old shrink has retired; office of old shrink fucked up and stuck my records somewhere where they can't get to 'em for a while.
v: Meanwhile I can get evaluated by someone else there, but not till, again, next week.
j: hmmm, must be workaround. *ponders*
v: might be
v: if the disability program guy is willing to take my word for it that i'll have the forms next week, and go ahead and sign off for me this week
v: which he might 'cause he's a nice guy, but then his last email suggested he might not
v: or if the dean'll let me drop retroactively, which they've done for me in the past but they've tightened their rules lately and i forget if that's one of the ones they've tightened
v: or if the old shrink people get on the stick and find those old forms and if that turns out to be all i need
v: but that's less likely

And of course, some self-recrimination:

v: this is the nth semester in a row I've tried to pull shit like this at the last minute
v: you'd think I'd've learned by now
v: the sucky thing is, I could've done this reduced-courseload stuff earlier in the semester
v: but I specifically declined because I needed to take a full load to graduate and I didn't want to ask for accomodations I wasn't gonna need
v: i dunno if it was pride or some misbegotten idea of efficiency
j: right, whereas now you're thinking you might take another year
v: *nod*
j: wel, taking on another year is a big Change of Plans
v: yeah...but i could've gotten the reduced load letter anyway, just in case, and then I wouldn't be running around after it now
j: sure
j: but what's done is done
v: yeah
j: not that that helps much, just something I remind myself in times like that
v: i just feel bad 'cause it's such a pattern with me
v: it's not even procrastination so much as i just don't figure out what i should do until the last minute
v: which come to think of it is not quite as bad as procrastination...i suppose that's something

(*) well, actually only most of today's running around--there was also the bit where I had to get authorization to see a cardiologist (it's been two weeks and the meds still aren't working), and found out that before I do I need to get bloodwork done. In other words, there are needles in my future. Fuck. Fuck fuckity fuck.

It's been raining off and on all day. Not fifteen minutes ago the sun came out and almost the entire sky was clear...but now it's raining again. Silly weather.

Of course, I shouldn't be observing the weather right now; I should be in class. But when I got up this morning I discovered those beta-blockers had made me Weak and Dizzy in the Extreme, and leaving the house without an arm to lean on didn't seem like a great idea. Cue guilt feelings, of course, since I haven't been to class all week what with all the running around going to doctors and shit. And it turns out Dramamine alleviates the dizziness somewhat, but I didn't think to take any until it was too late to make it to more than the last few minutes of my last class. Feh.

*attempts to nap* *fails utterly* *curls up on couch with MCB textbook in a desperate attempt to feel somewhat productive*

Oh look, the sun's out again.

The bad news: I have a midterm tomorrow for which I need rather badly to study, as I haven't been keeping up terribly well--and even this early in the evening I find I'm too damn tired to concentrate.

The good news: I at least have an excuse now for being tired. I finally got the results of my sleep study today, and it is official: I have sleep apnea. And now that I know I have it, I can get treated for it. In all likelihood this will vastly, vastly improve my life. I might even be able to take classes before two in the afternoon and actually manage to be awake for them.

The annoying news: It'll be a while before that happens. First I have to navigate the obstacle course that is medical bureaucracy, i.e. get an authorization form from the school clinic (which I wouldn't have to if my ENT doc hadn't run out of them), fax it over to the sleep center and then phone them up to make another appointment, which will probably not take place for at least a couple of weeks and at which I will probably simply be testing out the equipment which it will probably take another few weeks for me to be able to purchase. But the one last piece of good news is, it still looks as though my insurance will cover it.

(And the final question on my mind: Will this or any other post get half as many replies as the one where I mentioned shiny things? Not that I particularly wish it to, but I'm amused to have discovered that that is apparently how to attract people's attention.)